Friday, August 12th 2010

PART 7

MY JOURNEY WITH JASE (CONTINUED)

FYI: If you are confused at where we are in the story…then you might want to go back and get a re-cap of the last week.

Last we left off…Jase had briefly started seeing the woman he was dating the year before. Due to the circumstances that I am choosing not to share…this affected me more than I realized. I really lost all trust in Jase at that moment…and began to lose faith in God. It hurt so badly, AND at that moment…anger came over me…and consumed me until recently.

This is where Danny comes in. I had met Danny in July of 2009. He is a drummer in a two person acoustic band. My friend invited me to see a new band that she had hired at the time (which happened to be him and his friend). During breaks, he would walk around socializing with people. We talked briefly and once he learned that I was a Special Ed Teacher who teaches children with Autism, he shared concerns that he was having with his son who had been displaying some Autistic characteristics. I told him if he had any future questions to look me up on Facebook. AND he did. Let me just re-iterate to you that Danny is a drummer in a band…and even though he is handsome, charming, and very friendly…He is a drummer in a band, IN LAS VEGAS…and most of all not a Christian. I want to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with being a drummer in Las Vegas. However, in the past…this was the last person I would have ever been interested in due to the stereotypical lifestyle of woman & partying. Also, whatever your faith is….I respect that….I, however…am a woman who believes that Jesus Christ died for all of us…and I believe that in order to get through this life and make it the absolute best possible place it can be…I choose to follow HIM which makes me responsible for strengthening my relationship with God daily…For me, this is hard to do, it can be even more difficult when I don’t have someone by my side who shares my beliefs and passion and with that can also hold me accountable. I TRULY get this now!

Danny contacted me through Facebook, and I really didn’t start talking to him at all until about the middle of August. The void of Jase not being there was evident. AND, to be honest…I started feeling wanted again, needed, attractive. Danny was very honest at the beginning and stressing that he didn’t want a serious relationship… So, I thought..”ok, this might be exactly what I need to keep my mind busy”. My plan…was to have fun, and do my best to stay out of trouble, and to keep my heart guarded. Meanwhile, the end of August…Danny’s Mom passed away. I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose a parent…but I do know how it feels to have pain…he confided in me for nearly the next month. I didn’t really see him much. However, I would get a 1am call here and there…and I would sit with him in front of my house in his car…and he would talk about his Mom,  his concerns, his sorrow, and purely vent. We bonded through this time, and I began to really care about him. Danny and I began to see each other more and more…but still really didn’t see each other too much until around the Holiday time. I believe around the end of September/ beginning of October was the first time he met the kiddos.

Jase was still in all of our lives. I would religiously watch Dallas, Cowboy games with him… (how could I not?) Him and I would get a late night drink here and there… I was doing my best of “trying” to do the best friend thing with him…however, I think secretly…resentment in my heart was brewing. I had FINALLY came to the conclusion that in my mind Jase just wanted to be friends, therefore; I was treating him that way… I brought Danny to watch a  Cowboy game with Jase and a bunch or our other friends. Jase knew I was bringing him. I wanted to get Danny out around other people, and I thought that Jase wouldn’t care, especially if he didn’t have feelings for me. AND Jase was an extremely important part of my life and my children’s life, so I wanted both of them to meet. This is the first time, I ever did anything like this AND needless to say it did not go over too well AND I never brought Danny to watch another Cowboy game again…eek ;-/

I continued to see Danny…AND I continued to watch games with Jase and hang out with him here and there. Jase was very clear that he wanted his own life, his own friends, and wanted to separate from doing life all the time with me. Danny & I were not an official couple, but we were seeing each other more and more. Danny knew about the time I spent with Jase…I was very honest about our relationship with him…and the history that we had. He supported me and knew that Jase’s friendship was important to me. Due to this…I began to really respect him and care about him.

Danny is very kind, he has a great heart, he loves being around kids, he is very funny, and I felt he liked me a lot..I never really knew with him…he wasn’t real open…so I always felt that he was holding something back from me. I really did care about him alot, but he never really expressed that he had feelings for me at all AND I began to wonder why I was compromising my own beliefs when I was with him (i.e: stopped reading the bible, stopped praying before a meal) He never asked me to stop…I did it on my own. He was always willing to help me…and seemed to want to make things easier for me.  He helped me around my home, he was really great with the kiddos, and he was really fun to be around. I think during that time…we were both what we needed.

Thanksgiving came around…he helped me make dinner for 10 people including the kiddos, we started doing all the festive stuff for the Holidays (Christmas shopping, tree trimming, and all that good stuff). At this time, Jase knew I was spending time with Danny…but I don’t think he knew how much. Until, Christmas time.

More tomorrow…AND soon I will be done with the past and in the present day….

Until Next Time,

E

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Thursday, August 12th 2010 PART 6

MY JOURNEY WITH JASE (CONTINUED…)

I’m currently in San Diego visiting my friend Sjohnna. I drove here for one last hurrah on the beach until the kiddos come back. Also, a great way to clear my head…AND get ready for the life I am about to embark on.

I woke up this morning…with this huge pit in my stomach…Uggg…thoughts of doubt have consumed my mind all morning. I have been questioning myself about writing all of this the last few days… Questions like..”What was I thinking? Should I really be putting everything out there?” You know what those questions mean don’t you? I am doing exactly what I should have done…Well, I started….so its time to finish it…

Another year went by that included Jase and I working his seminars, the kids, following our faith, and supporting each other through it all (good & bad). With that, came fun. With that, came me still questioning what his motives were, and with that came changing lives in his seminars, and most of all changing are own lives. I was learning so much through him about working and helping people, he was learning from me about loving people unconditionally, AND him & Taylor were learning from each other stuff I still can’t explain. One of the things I love about Jase is that he looks at everything and will disect it down as much as he can. Sometimes, he looks at it too much. Have you ever dated a Personal Development Fanatic? Try it…it can be exhausting at times. In March/April Jase and I had been heavily working the seminars. Things were going great for him and he decided that him and I were not a fit…again. We parted ways again. Taylor became extremely ill. So ill, that we were unsure of her condition and unsure if she was going to make it. She had to have brain surgery to replace a tubing that had been put in when she was an infant. I sent the twins to stay with their Dad in May to concentrate on Taylor. Once, she had the surgery…she required time with me to get healthy again and stayed with me on her own for about a month. Jase, Taylor, & I started spending time again. I look back at this time and see how much they bonded. Taylor wanted to be baptized so badly. She and Jase went to the hair stylist, and Jase shaved his head in her honor along with some of the other men from our church. Soon after, Tay was well enough to visit her Dad for part of the summer.

Jase and I spent most of our summer together, working the seminars, traveling, learning and strengthening our relationship with Christ…and doing our best to help others. I believe we did…the way we know how together. At the end of the summer, we went on a two week road trip. It was awesome! Him and I just got in the car, and drove! No plans…just a mission. We didn’t know what that mission was…we just did it! We ended all the way to Mississippi!! We stayed in 1-2 star hotels along the way, visited our friends in San Antonio, Josh & Erica, attended Dallas Cowboy Camp, visited Hot Springs in Arizona , made it to Houston to see Joel Olsteen’s Church, New Orleans, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Colorado, & Utah. We drove for two weeks…and during that time, we read the Bible daily, listened to books on tapes, we saw absolute gorgeous scenery, and just really enjoyed each other. (at least I did) It was such a great trip…One of my favorites! Actually, it is my favorite trip to date! The only thing that could have made it better was if we were a couple. Again…I know, what was I thinking?

Immediately following our trip, the kids were on their way home (yet again, for the third time). Jase decided that he was going to stay distant this time…and he did. He began to date the woman that he dated for a brief time the previous year, immediately. This hurt me more deeply…In fact, I don’t think I realized how much it affected my life then…until he pointed it out to me last week…how I began to change after that. Of course, I was hurt that he was dating…especially so soon after our trip…but what truly hurt me the most was due to the circumstances around it…that I am choosing not to disclose. I allowed my faith to weaken…which led me to make choices that weren’t the smartest choices.

I had gone from spending all of my time with Jase to being completely alone. I felt so betrayed by him…I didn’t understand how someone who was my best friend today could be completely gone tomorrow… I really wish I knew how someone does that. It would make this so much less painful. At this time…began my relationship with Danny. I will go into depth about him tomorrow and will catch you up to where my life is today and what I am currently experiencing.

Honestly, I never anticipated me writing so much and taking so long to explain what’s been going on inside of me. AND, even if no one reads it…I know that this HAD to be done in order to move on to the next chapter in my life. I just know it! AND I have to move on…to whatever that chapter may be.

I also want to set the record straight, please understand, I don’t ever want to be perceived as a victim in this relationship and never want Jase to perceived as the “bad guy”. We are just two people, who each made our own individual choices that led to where we are today. Honestly, other than our friends Josh & Erica…we both have never really been exposed to a true healthy relationship.

Also, something I learned as I was writing this Evening is that there has been a lot of hurt that I have felt in the past, that I had not been willing to take responsibility for at all. I am now willing to take responsibility for what I have attributed to and some of that hurt I could have prevented if I would have just walked away. This is a challenge I have, I find it difficult to just walk away, to give up, to not fight for who or what I love. At times I wish it were easy for me…I am learning a little more and more of how to do this especially in the last few days. For the first time, I have absolute NO control what someone else’s feelings or actions are and am starting to ACTUALLY believe that what God has in store will be unveiled soon. It seems as if the voice is getting louder and clearer. I can see where I should have walked away…and I’m glad I didn’t. I am glad I listened to the voice that said to stick with it…continue to believe in Jase….because there was way more good that came out of it…and memories that will last forever. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret loving Jase. How can I?

Until Next Time,

E

P.S: I thought I would include a few videos of after Taylor had her surgery. I’m sure you have seen her baptism video…if not, enjoy it again. I do!

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Monday, August 9th 2010

PART 3

MY JOURNEY WITH JASE

I went on my first date with Jase on June 1st, 2007 (Yep, I EVEN remember the day!) . We hit it off so well on the phone that I broke my “meet & greet” rule and jumped right into a date with him. I had a feeling that he would be a great one to have dinner with. The chemistry was immediate (it was to me). It was apparent that even the bartender agreed, because she had acknowledged it while he slipped away to the rest room. Our second “meet & greet” was at church. He came to my church to meet me, that gave him extra props in my eyes. Anyway, long story short a few dates later we were quickly spending all of our time together.

The kids left to go to their Dad’s house for the summer right after we met. Jase only had a chance to meet them briefly at the Church. Therefore, other than what I told him…he didn’t know EXACTLY what he was jumping into. We had a busy summer and spent most of our time with each other. If you don’t know already, Jase has his own Seminar Company and is a Personal Development Speaker. He is amazing at what he does. He introduced me to Personal Development (PD) that summer. I think one of the things that intrigued him about me was that I was so happy and just loved life so much ( I really did you know!)…and he had a hard time believing I had never been to a seminar, had never read any PD books, or been down that avenue before. However, I enjoyed learning from him. Enjoyed everything he had to say. He was so positive, so energetic, loved to live life the way I did, we loved the same music, same food, AND he was/is very handsome! We experienced a trip to Puerto Vallarta (which was my first time out of the country). He introduced me to football and taught me all about it. I began to love it and became a die hard Dallas Cowboy’s Fan (which I’m not sure I am happy about…because they know how to break my heart by not winning ), and we went to Church together. That was the first summer that I really lived fully. AND last but definitely not least. I fell in love with him. I would have been positive that he was the one…AND I think for a brief moment he thought I was too (at least that is what I believed). The only thing that was holding me back was that he hadn’t met the kiddos yet.

Then my kiddos came back. Now, let me tell you. My children, especially at that time were 3 very busy kiddos and at times weren’t the easiest. The twins just turned 10 and Taylor was 14 going on 7. The twins were in this fighting with each other stage, and Jorden loved to ask 101 questions (things haven’t changed much in that category) AND Taylor (where do I begin). Taylor had pretty involved behavior challenges, and Erin was getting ready to have an extensive orthopedic surgery in Los Angeles. At that time they weren’t the easiest kiddos even if they didn’t have challenges…but they did and they do.

Even though I prepared him for when the kids came back, I don’t think I could have prepared him enough. Jase is an only child, who has never really been around a large family…so one can only imagine walking into mine could be a little overwhelming (ok,more than a little). At that moment, my biggest fear came true…and the person that I finally loved wasn’t sure if this was the type of lifestyle he wanted….we broke up around August/September.

Wow…this is just the beginning, still not sure how I can explain it all…but will do my best tomorrow.

To Be Continued….

I have been through some of the most memorable events in my life with Jase.

Until Next Time,

E

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Sunday, August 8th 2010

PART 2

After that 3 year relationship had ended, I began to reach out to more people, have more fun, and was excited and ready for any new adventure that came my way. I was ready to meet an awesome man that I would spend my life with. I was now 31 years of age, I was going to church more…and could feel that I was actually beginning to trust that God was in control of my future (which I didn’t believe before) I was excited to see what was out there. Even though at times I was a sceptic, I was ready to meet my Prince (that is how it works…Isn’t it?) A Prince comes and rescues the average girl away with her 3 kids with special needs in an SUV? (A horse wouldn’t work in this situation) In “my” World…I believe anything is possible (at least I did then that’s for sure).

Las Vegas is a tough city to meet any “normal” guy, let alone a Prince. Therefore, I signed up for Match.Com around May of 2006. I knew summer was fast approaching and that meant the kids would be leaving for a month or two so I would have more time on my hands. Also, Match.Com, gave me the opportunity to screen the guys I was communicating with. I went on a couple…what I call meet & greets. I would meet them to have coffee before I actually agreed to go on a full on date. I didn’t want to waste mine or their time or money if there was no chemistry.. I didn’t really have much luck meeting anyone I thought was a fit, and I was just about to give up. Let me remind you, that whenever I met someone…I had to ask myself the question..”Is this person….Would this person be someone who would be good for my children? I think I actually met 3 or 4 men…and I was very open about my children & my life. I know it can be overwhelming to someone…but my kids are a HUGE part of me…so it needs to be a HUGE factor.

No luck. I expressed my frustration to my friend, Sjohnna..and she logged onto my account to seewhat I had listed on my profile. Before I knew it…I began getting emails after emails from Match.Com from men that I apparently “winked at” (this is Match.com lingo for persued). Sjohnna was sneaky! She logged on and found men that she believed could be a match for me. These were men I probably wouldn’t have picked for myself…plus I had never pursued any man before at anytime, anywhere…so this was a new thing to me period. Well, there is a funny story that goes along with this that I am not going to tell because it would take me too long. The bottom line is this is how I met Jase.

It’s been over 3 years since I met him. AND Wow! It has been a journey. A very eventful 3 years that has been filled with amazing moments, good times, some rough times, some really rough times, AND some life changing moments that I wasn’t aware of until the last couple days. I believe that I am suppose to share most of this journey with you, in order to be extremely authentic, in order to heal, and in order to acknowledge the truth. I will continue on tomorrow….

Until Next Time,

E

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Saturday, July 3rd 2010

To my regular readers: I would like to first say, I am sincerely sorry for breaking my promise to you. I made a deal that I would blog every day for 365 days and yesterday I made a choice to avoid the computer, my phone, and chose to spend a day in bed to avoid the hurt that I was and am feeling, and attempted to avoid any other future pain by avoiding the World.

I’m not sure what is going to happen in the future, but for now I feel like I have lost my best friend for good…someone who I talk to everyday, someone who when an exciting event or funny moment happens is the first one to call me and me to call him, someone who would watch over me when I was sick, and someone who I got to celebrate all the silly, goofy, things with. I could go on and on..I am sad. I miss him terribly. Tomorrow will be The 4th of July, and I won’t have the opportunity to be with the people I love most in this World. Taylor, Jorden, & Erin are in Tennessee with their Dad AND Jase and I have decided to spend The Fourth of July apart this year.

Without going into too much detail…It has taken me to realize what I had only to lose it first. Isn’t their a famous saying that goes with that? In the past, when obstacles or personal pain has occured in my life I have had no other choice but to get up, attend to the kids, and/or go to work. Yesterday, it seemed as if the pain has intensified since I have had no one to tend to, no where to be, and nothing I have to do. This has made me realize that there are many times I hide behind my children to avoid feeling hurt. When in actuality, I now believe I needed to feel this so I could change a pattern that has been re-occurring in my life for so long. I don’t think that I believed that I could have everything I ever wanted…which was a possible cause for turmoil to occur.

I wish I knew what I had when I had it. I wish we knew what we had…but for now, let the healing begin as I let hope and faith kick in. I give it all to God and have faith that He  will give it both back to us or give us each something better than we can even imagine.

Instead of experiencing the day I did yesterday I decided when I woke up this morning to get in my car and drive. I ended up in San Diego where I get to spend The Fourth of July on the beach with my good friend Sjohnna.

Until Next Time,

E

P.S: I just read this entry back…and I wouldn’t be surprise if it made no sense to you, my reader…However, at this time…I don’t know what else to write or how to write it.

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