So…today has been a pretty busy day filled with all the stuff that goes with getting a family ready to go back to school. That includes me! AND…it just hit me a little bit ago.
Taylor, my oldest daughter will be starting her first day of her Senior Year in High School tomorrow. To many of you reading this…this may sound as of no big deal to you…it happens to be something that almost every Mom goes through with their child. Yes…this day was bound and determined to come whether or not I wanted it to.
My truth is…that tomorrow I will be either putting my 17 year old daughter, who has cerebral palsy on a bus or driving her to school for her first day of High School. She will be going on a campus filled with over a thousand students… I have so many mixed emotions that I attempted to write them down…AND then the tears just got in the way…so I decided to record a little video for you…AND maybe just maybe another parent is having a challenging time at this very moment…and they will know that they are not alone.
FYI: If you are confused at where we are in the story…then you might want to go back and get a re-cap of the last week.
Last we left off…Jase had briefly started seeing the woman he was dating the year before. Due to the circumstances that I am choosing not to share…this affected me more than I realized. I really lost all trust in Jase at that moment…and began to lose faith in God. It hurt so badly, AND at that moment…anger came over me…and consumed me until recently.
This is where Danny comes in. I had met Danny in July of 2009. He is a drummer in a two person acoustic band. My friend invited me to see a new band that she had hired at the time (which happened to be him and his friend). During breaks, he would walk around socializing with people. We talked briefly and once he learned that I was a Special Ed Teacher who teaches children with Autism, he shared concerns that he was having with his son who had been displaying some Autistic characteristics. I told him if he had any future questions to look me up on Facebook. AND he did. Let me just re-iterate to you that Danny is a drummer in a band…and even though he is handsome, charming, and very friendly…He is a drummer in a band, IN LAS VEGAS…and most of all not a Christian. I want to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with being a drummer in Las Vegas. However, in the past…this was the last person I would have ever been interested in due to the stereotypical lifestyle of woman & partying. Also, whatever your faith is….I respect that….I, however…am a woman who believes that Jesus Christ died for all of us…and I believe that in order to get through this life and make it the absolute best possible place it can be…I choose to follow HIM which makes me responsible for strengthening my relationship with God daily…For me, this is hard to do, it can be even more difficult when I don’t have someone by my side who shares my beliefs and passion and with that can also hold me accountable. I TRULY get this now!
Danny contacted me through Facebook, and I really didn’t start talking to him at all until about the middle of August. The void of Jase not being there was evident. AND, to be honest…I started feeling wanted again, needed, attractive. Danny was very honest at the beginning and stressing that he didn’t want a serious relationship… So, I thought..”ok, this might be exactly what I need to keep my mind busy”. My plan…was to have fun, and do my best to stay out of trouble, and to keep my heart guarded. Meanwhile, the end of August…Danny’s Mom passed away. I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose a parent…but I do know how it feels to have pain…he confided in me for nearly the next month. I didn’t really see him much. However, I would get a 1am call here and there…and I would sit with him in front of my house in his car…and he would talk about his Mom, his concerns, his sorrow, and purely vent. We bonded through this time, and I began to really care about him. Danny and I began to see each other more and more…but still really didn’t see each other too much until around the Holiday time. I believe around the end of September/ beginning of October was the first time he met the kiddos.
Jase was still in all of our lives. I would religiously watch Dallas, Cowboy games with him… (how could I not?) Him and I would get a late night drink here and there… I was doing my best of “trying” to do the best friend thing with him…however, I think secretly…resentment in my heart was brewing. I had FINALLY came to the conclusion that in my mind Jase just wanted to be friends, therefore; I was treating him that way… I brought Danny to watch a Cowboy game with Jase and a bunch or our other friends. Jase knew I was bringing him. I wanted to get Danny out around other people, and I thought that Jase wouldn’t care, especially if he didn’t have feelings for me. AND Jase was an extremely important part of my life and my children’s life, so I wanted both of them to meet. This is the first time, I ever did anything like this AND needless to say it did not go over too well AND I never brought Danny to watch another Cowboy game again…eek ;-/
I continued to see Danny…AND I continued to watch games with Jase and hang out with him here and there. Jase was very clear that he wanted his own life, his own friends, and wanted to separate from doing life all the time with me. Danny & I were not an official couple, but we were seeing each other more and more. Danny knew about the time I spent with Jase…I was very honest about our relationship with him…and the history that we had. He supported me and knew that Jase’s friendship was important to me. Due to this…I began to really respect him and care about him.
Danny is very kind, he has a great heart, he loves being around kids, he is very funny, and I felt he liked me a lot..I never really knew with him…he wasn’t real open…so I always felt that he was holding something back from me. I really did care about him alot, but he never really expressed that he had feelings for me at all AND I began to wonder why I was compromising my own beliefs when I was with him (i.e: stopped reading the bible, stopped praying before a meal) He never asked me to stop…I did it on my own. He was always willing to help me…and seemed to want to make things easier for me. He helped me around my home, he was really great with the kiddos, and he was really fun to be around. I think during that time…we were both what we needed.
Thanksgiving came around…he helped me make dinner for 10 people including the kiddos, we started doing all the festive stuff for the Holidays (Christmas shopping, tree trimming, and all that good stuff). At this time, Jase knew I was spending time with Danny…but I don’t think he knew how much. Until, Christmas time.
More tomorrow…AND soon I will be done with the past and in the present day….
I’m currently in San Diego visiting my friend Sjohnna. I drove here for one last hurrah on the beach until the kiddos come back. Also, a great way to clear my head…AND get ready for the life I am about to embark on.
I woke up this morning…with this huge pit in my stomach…Uggg…thoughts of doubt have consumed my mind all morning. I have been questioning myself about writing all of this the last few days… Questions like..”What was I thinking? Should I really be putting everything out there?” You know what those questions mean don’t you? I am doing exactly what I should have done…Well, I started….so its time to finish it…
Another year went by that included Jase and I working his seminars, the kids, following our faith, and supporting each other through it all (good & bad). With that, came fun. With that, came me still questioning what his motives were, and with that came changing lives in his seminars, and most of all changing are own lives. I was learning so much through him about working and helping people, he was learning from me about loving people unconditionally, AND him & Taylor were learning from each other stuff I still can’t explain. One of the things I love about Jase is that he looks at everything and will disect it down as much as he can. Sometimes, he looks at it too much. Have you ever dated a Personal Development Fanatic? Try it…it can be exhausting at times. In March/April Jase and I had been heavily working the seminars. Things were going great for him and he decided that him and I were not a fit…again. We parted ways again. Taylor became extremely ill. So ill, that we were unsure of her condition and unsure if she was going to make it. She had to have brain surgery to replace a tubing that had been put in when she was an infant. I sent the twins to stay with their Dad in May to concentrate on Taylor. Once, she had the surgery…she required time with me to get healthy again and stayed with me on her own for about a month. Jase, Taylor, & I started spending time again. I look back at this time and see how much they bonded. Taylor wanted to be baptized so badly. She and Jase went to the hair stylist, and Jase shaved his head in her honor along with some of the other men from our church. Soon after, Tay was well enough to visit her Dad for part of the summer.
Jase and I spent most of our summer together, working the seminars, traveling, learning and strengthening our relationship with Christ…and doing our best to help others. I believe we did…the way we know how together. At the end of the summer, we went on a two week road trip. It was awesome! Him and I just got in the car, and drove! No plans…just a mission. We didn’t know what that mission was…we just did it! We ended all the way to Mississippi!! We stayed in 1-2 star hotels along the way, visited our friends in San Antonio, Josh & Erica, attended Dallas Cowboy Camp, visited Hot Springs in Arizona , made it to Houston to see Joel Olsteen’s Church, New Orleans, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Colorado, & Utah. We drove for two weeks…and during that time, we read the Bible daily, listened to books on tapes, we saw absolute gorgeous scenery, and just really enjoyed each other. (at least I did) It was such a great trip…One of my favorites! Actually, it is my favorite trip to date! The only thing that could have made it better was if we were a couple. Again…I know, what was I thinking?
Immediately following our trip, the kids were on their way home (yet again, for the third time). Jase decided that he was going to stay distant this time…and he did. He began to date the woman that he dated for a brief time the previous year, immediately. This hurt me more deeply…In fact, I don’t think I realized how much it affected my life then…until he pointed it out to me last week…how I began to change after that. Of course, I was hurt that he was dating…especially so soon after our trip…but what truly hurt me the most was due to the circumstances around it…that I am choosing not to disclose. I allowed my faith to weaken…which led me to make choices that weren’t the smartest choices.
I had gone from spending all of my time with Jase to being completely alone. I felt so betrayed by him…I didn’t understand how someone who was my best friend today could be completely gone tomorrow… I really wish I knew how someone does that. It would make this so much less painful. At this time…began my relationship with Danny. I will go into depth about him tomorrow and will catch you up to where my life is today and what I am currently experiencing.
Honestly, I never anticipated me writing so much and taking so long to explain what’s been going on inside of me. AND, even if no one reads it…I know that this HAD to be done in order to move on to the next chapter in my life. I just know it! AND I have to move on…to whatever that chapter may be.
I also want to set the record straight, please understand, I don’t ever want to be perceived as a victim in this relationship and never want Jase to perceived as the “bad guy”. We are just two people, who each made our own individual choices that led to where we are today. Honestly, other than our friends Josh & Erica…we both have never really been exposed to a true healthy relationship.
Also, something I learned as I was writing this Evening is that there has been a lot of hurt that I have felt in the past, that I had not been willing to take responsibility for at all. I am now willing to take responsibility for what I have attributed to and some of that hurt I could have prevented if I would have just walked away. This is a challenge I have, I find it difficult to just walk away, to give up, to not fight for who or what I love. At times I wish it were easy for me…I am learning a little more and more of how to do this especially in the last few days. For the first time, I have absolute NO control what someone else’s feelings or actions are and am starting to ACTUALLY believe that what God has in store will be unveiled soon. It seems as if the voice is getting louder and clearer. I can see where I should have walked away…and I’m glad I didn’t. I am glad I listened to the voice that said to stick with it…continue to believe in Jase….because there was way more good that came out of it…and memories that will last forever. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret loving Jase. How can I?
Until Next Time,
E
P.S: I thought I would include a few videos of after Taylor had her surgery. I’m sure you have seen her baptism video…if not, enjoy it again. I do!
So…today has been a pretty busy day filled with all the stuff that goes with getting a family ready to go back to school. That includes me! AND…it just hit me a little bit ago.