So…today has been a pretty busy day filled with all the stuff that goes with getting a family ready to go back to school. That includes me! AND…it just hit me a little bit ago.
Taylor, my oldest daughter will be starting her first day of her Senior Year in High School tomorrow. To many of you reading this…this may sound as of no big deal to you…it happens to be something that almost every Mom goes through with their child. Yes…this day was bound and determined to come whether or not I wanted it to.
My truth is…that tomorrow I will be either putting my 17 year old daughter, who has cerebral palsy on a bus or driving her to school for her first day of High School. She will be going on a campus filled with over a thousand students… I have so many mixed emotions that I attempted to write them down…AND then the tears just got in the way…so I decided to record a little video for you…AND maybe just maybe another parent is having a challenging time at this very moment…and they will know that they are not alone.
I’m currently in San Diego visiting my friend Sjohnna. I drove here for one last hurrah on the beach until the kiddos come back. Also, a great way to clear my head…AND get ready for the life I am about to embark on.
I woke up this morning…with this huge pit in my stomach…Uggg…thoughts of doubt have consumed my mind all morning. I have been questioning myself about writing all of this the last few days… Questions like..”What was I thinking? Should I really be putting everything out there?” You know what those questions mean don’t you? I am doing exactly what I should have done…Well, I started….so its time to finish it…
Another year went by that included Jase and I working his seminars, the kids, following our faith, and supporting each other through it all (good & bad). With that, came fun. With that, came me still questioning what his motives were, and with that came changing lives in his seminars, and most of all changing are own lives. I was learning so much through him about working and helping people, he was learning from me about loving people unconditionally, AND him & Taylor were learning from each other stuff I still can’t explain. One of the things I love about Jase is that he looks at everything and will disect it down as much as he can. Sometimes, he looks at it too much. Have you ever dated a Personal Development Fanatic? Try it…it can be exhausting at times. In March/April Jase and I had been heavily working the seminars. Things were going great for him and he decided that him and I were not a fit…again. We parted ways again. Taylor became extremely ill. So ill, that we were unsure of her condition and unsure if she was going to make it. She had to have brain surgery to replace a tubing that had been put in when she was an infant. I sent the twins to stay with their Dad in May to concentrate on Taylor. Once, she had the surgery…she required time with me to get healthy again and stayed with me on her own for about a month. Jase, Taylor, & I started spending time again. I look back at this time and see how much they bonded. Taylor wanted to be baptized so badly. She and Jase went to the hair stylist, and Jase shaved his head in her honor along with some of the other men from our church. Soon after, Tay was well enough to visit her Dad for part of the summer.
Jase and I spent most of our summer together, working the seminars, traveling, learning and strengthening our relationship with Christ…and doing our best to help others. I believe we did…the way we know how together. At the end of the summer, we went on a two week road trip. It was awesome! Him and I just got in the car, and drove! No plans…just a mission. We didn’t know what that mission was…we just did it! We ended all the way to Mississippi!! We stayed in 1-2 star hotels along the way, visited our friends in San Antonio, Josh & Erica, attended Dallas Cowboy Camp, visited Hot Springs in Arizona , made it to Houston to see Joel Olsteen’s Church, New Orleans, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Colorado, & Utah. We drove for two weeks…and during that time, we read the Bible daily, listened to books on tapes, we saw absolute gorgeous scenery, and just really enjoyed each other. (at least I did) It was such a great trip…One of my favorites! Actually, it is my favorite trip to date! The only thing that could have made it better was if we were a couple. Again…I know, what was I thinking?
Immediately following our trip, the kids were on their way home (yet again, for the third time). Jase decided that he was going to stay distant this time…and he did. He began to date the woman that he dated for a brief time the previous year, immediately. This hurt me more deeply…In fact, I don’t think I realized how much it affected my life then…until he pointed it out to me last week…how I began to change after that. Of course, I was hurt that he was dating…especially so soon after our trip…but what truly hurt me the most was due to the circumstances around it…that I am choosing not to disclose. I allowed my faith to weaken…which led me to make choices that weren’t the smartest choices.
I had gone from spending all of my time with Jase to being completely alone. I felt so betrayed by him…I didn’t understand how someone who was my best friend today could be completely gone tomorrow… I really wish I knew how someone does that. It would make this so much less painful. At this time…began my relationship with Danny. I will go into depth about him tomorrow and will catch you up to where my life is today and what I am currently experiencing.
Honestly, I never anticipated me writing so much and taking so long to explain what’s been going on inside of me. AND, even if no one reads it…I know that this HAD to be done in order to move on to the next chapter in my life. I just know it! AND I have to move on…to whatever that chapter may be.
I also want to set the record straight, please understand, I don’t ever want to be perceived as a victim in this relationship and never want Jase to perceived as the “bad guy”. We are just two people, who each made our own individual choices that led to where we are today. Honestly, other than our friends Josh & Erica…we both have never really been exposed to a true healthy relationship.
Also, something I learned as I was writing this Evening is that there has been a lot of hurt that I have felt in the past, that I had not been willing to take responsibility for at all. I am now willing to take responsibility for what I have attributed to and some of that hurt I could have prevented if I would have just walked away. This is a challenge I have, I find it difficult to just walk away, to give up, to not fight for who or what I love. At times I wish it were easy for me…I am learning a little more and more of how to do this especially in the last few days. For the first time, I have absolute NO control what someone else’s feelings or actions are and am starting to ACTUALLY believe that what God has in store will be unveiled soon. It seems as if the voice is getting louder and clearer. I can see where I should have walked away…and I’m glad I didn’t. I am glad I listened to the voice that said to stick with it…continue to believe in Jase….because there was way more good that came out of it…and memories that will last forever. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret loving Jase. How can I?
Until Next Time,
E
P.S: I thought I would include a few videos of after Taylor had her surgery. I’m sure you have seen her baptism video…if not, enjoy it again. I do!
Jase and I officially broke up in August/September…but for some reason it didn’t stop us from doing life or being together… I could sense that he cared about me, but he was holding back so much and resisted being with me. Wow, as I reflect on it now…I’m not sure what kept me hanging on. Maybe it was my fear that I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m really not sure…AND reflecting back I can see where at times I had been pathetic, needy, and should have (by society’s standards) let him go along time ago. However, something inside of me was saying “Stick with it…love him unconditionally”. So I did. I want to explain…that I knew how to go in relationships when the time was right. I had always done so before…and this time was different.
Even though the next year was a year of ups and downs…of us being together & not being together…of not knowing what the future looked like for us we became stronger in our Faith of God together, we attended Bible courses together, we were baptized together, my children and I started attending a new church (Central Christian Church in Henderson, NV) that Jase introduced me to. We even went on our first Mission Trip to Mexico. We loved it so much that we went on another one in May and led the worship for the trip. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together with the kids. He taught me more about the Dallas Cowboys which caused me to become a lifetime Dallas Fan (not sure if I am happy about this).
We were unsure of what was happening in our relationship…but at that the same time we were both a huge part in developing and strengthening our relationship with God together. We never really fought much that first year…everything was always so up in the air…so I never knew where I stood in his eyes & most of all I allowed for it to continue.
Summer was beginning to start again. One of my dreams had always been to go to New York City. Jase gathered a bunch of my friends together and they all pitched in money and purchased me a plane ticket to NYC with extra money for shopping! It was awesome. I was able to go for a week in the summer with one of my girlfriends. AND then I came back from New York and all H-E-double hockey sticks broke loose… even though Jase and I weren’t “officially” dating…AND he had vividly expressed that he wasn’t sure I was the one that he wanted to be with the rest of his life. Without going through too many personal details that him and I experienced that summer. It was a whirlwind of emotions and pain for both of us. There were choices that we both made that weren’t the smartest choices, which caused heartache & hurt that until very recently continued to still be evident.
I have still so much to write however writing what I have has already brought me so much healing…I will explain what I am currently feeling and experiencing later after I explain the last few years. I was so frustrated and all I could think of was all the negative things that Jase and I had experienced in the past, and now suddenly…I am only seeing the good…or only focusing on the good, because really that is all that matters to me anymore.
I went on my first date with Jase on June 1st, 2007 (Yep, I EVEN remember the day!) . We hit it off so well on the phone that I broke my “meet & greet” rule and jumped right into a date with him. I had a feeling that he would be a great one to have dinner with. The chemistry was immediate (it was to me). It was apparent that even the bartender agreed, because she had acknowledged it while he slipped away to the rest room. Our second “meet & greet” was at church. He came to my church to meet me, that gave him extra props in my eyes. Anyway, long story short a few dates later we were quickly spending all of our time together.
The kids left to go to their Dad’s house for the summer right after we met. Jase only had a chance to meet them briefly at the Church. Therefore, other than what I told him…he didn’t know EXACTLY what he was jumping into. We had a busy summer and spent most of our time with each other. If you don’t know already, Jase has his own Seminar Company and is a Personal Development Speaker. He is amazing at what he does. He introduced me to Personal Development (PD) that summer. I think one of the things that intrigued him about me was that I was so happy and just loved life so much ( I really did you know!)…and he had a hard time believing I had never been to a seminar, had never read any PD books, or been down that avenue before. However, I enjoyed learning from him. Enjoyed everything he had to say. He was so positive, so energetic, loved to live life the way I did, we loved the same music, same food, AND he was/is very handsome! We experienced a trip to Puerto Vallarta (which was my first time out of the country). He introduced me to football and taught me all about it. I began to love it and became a die hard Dallas Cowboy’s Fan (which I’m not sure I am happy about…because they know how to break my heart by not winning ), and we went to Church together. That was the first summer that I really lived fully. AND last but definitely not least. I fell in love with him. I would have been positive that he was the one…AND I think for a brief moment he thought I was too (at least that is what I believed). The only thing that was holding me back was that he hadn’t met the kiddos yet.
Then my kiddos came back. Now, let me tell you. My children, especially at that time were 3 very busy kiddos and at times weren’t the easiest. The twins just turned 10 and Taylor was 14 going on 7. The twins were in this fighting with each other stage, and Jorden loved to ask 101 questions (things haven’t changed much in that category) AND Taylor (where do I begin). Taylor had pretty involved behavior challenges, and Erin was getting ready to have an extensive orthopedic surgery in Los Angeles. At that time they weren’t the easiest kiddos even if they didn’t have challenges…but they did and they do.
Even though I prepared him for when the kids came back, I don’t think I could have prepared him enough. Jase is an only child, who has never really been around a large family…so one can only imagine walking into mine could be a little overwhelming (ok,more than a little). At that moment, my biggest fear came true…and the person that I finally loved wasn’t sure if this was the type of lifestyle he wanted….we broke up around August/September.
Wow…this is just the beginning, still not sure how I can explain it all…but will do my best tomorrow.
To Be Continued….
I have been through some of the most memorable events in my life with Jase.
So…today has been a pretty busy day filled with all the stuff that goes with getting a family ready to go back to school. That includes me! AND…it just hit me a little bit ago.
), and we went to Church together. That was the first summer that I really lived fully. AND last but definitely not least. I fell in love with him. I would have been positive that he was the one…AND I think for a brief moment he thought I was too (at least that is what I believed). The only thing that was holding me back was that he hadn’t met the kiddos yet.