So…today has been a pretty busy day filled with all the stuff that goes with getting a family ready to go back to school. That includes me! AND…it just hit me a little bit ago.
Taylor, my oldest daughter will be starting her first day of her Senior Year in High School tomorrow. To many of you reading this…this may sound as of no big deal to you…it happens to be something that almost every Mom goes through with their child. Yes…this day was bound and determined to come whether or not I wanted it to.
My truth is…that tomorrow I will be either putting my 17 year old daughter, who has cerebral palsy on a bus or driving her to school for her first day of High School. She will be going on a campus filled with over a thousand students… I have so many mixed emotions that I attempted to write them down…AND then the tears just got in the way…so I decided to record a little video for you…AND maybe just maybe another parent is having a challenging time at this very moment…and they will know that they are not alone.
I’m currently in San Diego visiting my friend Sjohnna. I drove here for one last hurrah on the beach until the kiddos come back. Also, a great way to clear my head…AND get ready for the life I am about to embark on.
I woke up this morning…with this huge pit in my stomach…Uggg…thoughts of doubt have consumed my mind all morning. I have been questioning myself about writing all of this the last few days… Questions like..”What was I thinking? Should I really be putting everything out there?” You know what those questions mean don’t you? I am doing exactly what I should have done…Well, I started….so its time to finish it…
Another year went by that included Jase and I working his seminars, the kids, following our faith, and supporting each other through it all (good & bad). With that, came fun. With that, came me still questioning what his motives were, and with that came changing lives in his seminars, and most of all changing are own lives. I was learning so much through him about working and helping people, he was learning from me about loving people unconditionally, AND him & Taylor were learning from each other stuff I still can’t explain. One of the things I love about Jase is that he looks at everything and will disect it down as much as he can. Sometimes, he looks at it too much. Have you ever dated a Personal Development Fanatic? Try it…it can be exhausting at times. In March/April Jase and I had been heavily working the seminars. Things were going great for him and he decided that him and I were not a fit…again. We parted ways again. Taylor became extremely ill. So ill, that we were unsure of her condition and unsure if she was going to make it. She had to have brain surgery to replace a tubing that had been put in when she was an infant. I sent the twins to stay with their Dad in May to concentrate on Taylor. Once, she had the surgery…she required time with me to get healthy again and stayed with me on her own for about a month. Jase, Taylor, & I started spending time again. I look back at this time and see how much they bonded. Taylor wanted to be baptized so badly. She and Jase went to the hair stylist, and Jase shaved his head in her honor along with some of the other men from our church. Soon after, Tay was well enough to visit her Dad for part of the summer.
Jase and I spent most of our summer together, working the seminars, traveling, learning and strengthening our relationship with Christ…and doing our best to help others. I believe we did…the way we know how together. At the end of the summer, we went on a two week road trip. It was awesome! Him and I just got in the car, and drove! No plans…just a mission. We didn’t know what that mission was…we just did it! We ended all the way to Mississippi!! We stayed in 1-2 star hotels along the way, visited our friends in San Antonio, Josh & Erica, attended Dallas Cowboy Camp, visited Hot Springs in Arizona , made it to Houston to see Joel Olsteen’s Church, New Orleans, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Colorado, & Utah. We drove for two weeks…and during that time, we read the Bible daily, listened to books on tapes, we saw absolute gorgeous scenery, and just really enjoyed each other. (at least I did) It was such a great trip…One of my favorites! Actually, it is my favorite trip to date! The only thing that could have made it better was if we were a couple. Again…I know, what was I thinking?
Immediately following our trip, the kids were on their way home (yet again, for the third time). Jase decided that he was going to stay distant this time…and he did. He began to date the woman that he dated for a brief time the previous year, immediately. This hurt me more deeply…In fact, I don’t think I realized how much it affected my life then…until he pointed it out to me last week…how I began to change after that. Of course, I was hurt that he was dating…especially so soon after our trip…but what truly hurt me the most was due to the circumstances around it…that I am choosing not to disclose. I allowed my faith to weaken…which led me to make choices that weren’t the smartest choices.
I had gone from spending all of my time with Jase to being completely alone. I felt so betrayed by him…I didn’t understand how someone who was my best friend today could be completely gone tomorrow… I really wish I knew how someone does that. It would make this so much less painful. At this time…began my relationship with Danny. I will go into depth about him tomorrow and will catch you up to where my life is today and what I am currently experiencing.
Honestly, I never anticipated me writing so much and taking so long to explain what’s been going on inside of me. AND, even if no one reads it…I know that this HAD to be done in order to move on to the next chapter in my life. I just know it! AND I have to move on…to whatever that chapter may be.
I also want to set the record straight, please understand, I don’t ever want to be perceived as a victim in this relationship and never want Jase to perceived as the “bad guy”. We are just two people, who each made our own individual choices that led to where we are today. Honestly, other than our friends Josh & Erica…we both have never really been exposed to a true healthy relationship.
Also, something I learned as I was writing this Evening is that there has been a lot of hurt that I have felt in the past, that I had not been willing to take responsibility for at all. I am now willing to take responsibility for what I have attributed to and some of that hurt I could have prevented if I would have just walked away. This is a challenge I have, I find it difficult to just walk away, to give up, to not fight for who or what I love. At times I wish it were easy for me…I am learning a little more and more of how to do this especially in the last few days. For the first time, I have absolute NO control what someone else’s feelings or actions are and am starting to ACTUALLY believe that what God has in store will be unveiled soon. It seems as if the voice is getting louder and clearer. I can see where I should have walked away…and I’m glad I didn’t. I am glad I listened to the voice that said to stick with it…continue to believe in Jase….because there was way more good that came out of it…and memories that will last forever. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret loving Jase. How can I?
Until Next Time,
E
P.S: I thought I would include a few videos of after Taylor had her surgery. I’m sure you have seen her baptism video…if not, enjoy it again. I do!
After that 3 year relationship had ended, I began to reach out to more people, have more fun, and was excited and ready for any new adventure that came my way. I was ready to meet an awesome man that I would spend my life with. I was now 31 years of age, I was going to church more…and could feel that I was actually beginning to trust that God was in control of my future (which I didn’t believe before) I was excited to see what was out there. Even though at times I was a sceptic, I was ready to meet my Prince (that is how it works…Isn’t it?) A Prince comes and rescues the average girl away with her 3 kids with special needs in an SUV? (A horse wouldn’t work in this situation) In “my” World…I believe anything is possible (at least I did then that’s for sure).
Las Vegas is a tough city to meet any “normal” guy, let alone a Prince. Therefore, I signed up for Match.Com around May of 2006. I knew summer was fast approaching and that meant the kids would be leaving for a month or two so I would have more time on my hands. Also, Match.Com, gave me the opportunity to screen the guys I was communicating with. I went on a couple…what I call meet & greets. I would meet them to have coffee before I actually agreed to go on a full on date. I didn’t want to waste mine or their time or money if there was no chemistry.. I didn’t really have much luck meeting anyone I thought was a fit, and I was just about to give up. Let me remind you, that whenever I met someone…I had to ask myself the question..”Is this person….Would this person be someone who would be good for my children? I think I actually met 3 or 4 men…and I was very open about my children & my life. I know it can be overwhelming to someone…but my kids are a HUGE part of me…so it needs to be a HUGE factor.
No luck. I expressed my frustration to my friend, Sjohnna..and she logged onto my account to seewhat I had listed on my profile. Before I knew it…I began getting emails after emails from Match.Com from men that I apparently “winked at” (this is Match.com lingo for persued). Sjohnna was sneaky! She logged on and found men that she believed could be a match for me. These were men I probably wouldn’t have picked for myself…plus I had never pursued any man before at anytime, anywhere…so this was a new thing to me period. Well, there is a funny story that goes along with this that I am not going to tell because it would take me too long. The bottom line is this is how I met Jase.
It’s been over 3 years since I met him. AND Wow! It has been a journey. A very eventful 3 years that has been filled with amazing moments, good times, some rough times, some really rough times, AND some life changing moments that I wasn’t aware of until the last couple days. I believe that I am suppose to share most of this journey with you, in order to be extremely authentic, in order to heal, and in order to acknowledge the truth. I will continue on tomorrow….
I was searching for some pictures and going through some videos that Jase and I took back in April of a concert that we went to…long story to why I was searching for this. I will explain later… However, I found a video of all of my children at the Rock & Road Worship Show in Las Vegas, NV in April. Jase & I took the kids to see the concert with some of our friends. I didn’t know that I had this of the kids. This video impacted me. I saw what a community we have AND most of all I remembered years ago when Taylor was 5 years old and she was barely speaking and the Doctor told me that she would never speak in complete sentences, and NOW look at her! Singing for God!! If that’s not a testimony, I’m not sure what is. God is great…I have been so wrapped up in my own happiness lately that I JUST now realized that I have been given SO many miracles and I would be a fool if I didn’t praise Him!
So…today has been a pretty busy day filled with all the stuff that goes with getting a family ready to go back to school. That includes me! AND…it just hit me a little bit ago.
what I had listed on my profile. Before I knew it…I began getting emails after emails from Match.Com from men that I apparently “winked at” (this is Match.com lingo for persued). Sjohnna was sneaky! She logged on and found men that she believed could be a match for me. These were men I probably wouldn’t have picked for myself…plus I had never pursued any man before at anytime, anywhere…so this was a new thing to me period. Well, there is a funny story that goes along with this that I am not going to tell because it would take me too long. The bottom line is this is how I met Jase.