Sunday, August 15th 2010
PART 9
MY JOURNEY WITH JASE (CONTINUED…)
Ok, so…catching you up on the last few years has taken much longer than I ever anticipated…The kiddos are coming home tonight, and I wanted to be done by now, so I could share with you their homecoming and we could learn what is going on in THEIR world. I’m doing my best to finish…and in the same breath I feel that this is important for me to release…so a new chapter can begin. No matter what that looks like…it will definitely be new.
After Jase told me he loved me…AND he believed with all of his heart and soul that I was the one..you can imagine I was shocked! I think I told you that in my previous post…AND I am going to say it again…SHOCKED! He promised me…He was absolutely sure…he told me how relieved he was that it was me! That I was the one!” He promised me the world! He wrote me the most amazing letters, he prayed with me, he loved me, he wanted to have a family, he wanted to get married, he wanted to be all he could be for the kids…He was absolutely wonderful… He was so excited to start planning our future, so excited to start working together, so excited for life!! He worked unbelievable hard to convince me…that it was true…that I was the one.
Without spending another two days on all of the details that took place after Jase and I “officially” became a couple in January. AND believe me there are many. I will tell you that I worked really hard myself…I worked hard at pushing him away every moment I could. I became jealous, angry, mean, doubted his love, refused to let him guide me on making any decisions for our lives, never let it be great, if he liked it…I intentionally didn’t like it…I became this other person, who I can’t identify with, don’t understand, I don’t like…I lost my Happy Dance!
Looking back, I was horrible…AND boy, if I would have just surrendered the anger, bitterness, and doubt that I had inside of me….I imagine that our relationship would have been amazing. I guess…it’s easy to worry about the “what if’s”, “could haves”, and “should haves”. Recently, I realized why I pushed him so hard…I was so frightened, I felt so much guilt and was so disappointed in myself and I stopped turning to God…I tried to do it all on my own. I can see now, that because I hadn’t been making the wisest choices I had a hard time believing that God would be so good to me…by giving me everything I ever wanted. AND it was…It was everything I ever wanted.
Jase and I officially broke up on July 2nd. For a month afterwards, we continued to spend time together doing our normal things: working out, going to movies, eating together, we even worked a seminar…doing the same stuff as in years past. He was facing his own obstacles with work, family, and other struggles that he has battled and I was feeling so empty…like I had failed terribly. I failed for Jase, failed for my children, and most of all failed for God. I had finally had a family. One that I loved and love….and as the kiddos come home tonight, I feel as if something is missing. Someone is missing. I have to be honest, saying this…is very scary to me…because there might be a chance Jase reads this, and I don’t want him to feel guilt, or feel pressure, or feel sadness, or look at me as some pathetic woman who would do anything to have him back. AND the other truth is that…I don’t want him to not care. AND there might be a chance that he doesn’t. That is what scares me the most…that he won’t care. So, my hope is that he doesn’t read this.
Jase and I had to do something…this pattern has been going on way to long and it has to be broken. We just don’t know what that looks like. Will we be together? Will we not be together? Therefore, we met with two Pastors at our church. We both agreed to not see each other, speak to each other, or communicate with each other for 30-60 days…unless, we see each other at Church or any social functions that are coming up. Let me just tell you, when I went into the meeting…I was ready, ready to take a break for 30 days…and then it became 60 days. I reluctantly agreed and almost left (kicking & screaming).. I felt as if I had no control in this situation…I have felt like I have had NO control over the past 3 years…AND I guess that is God’s first lesson to me…I guess I have to give up the control!!
So, thats where I have been…
Right now…things are so much better. I wake up early every morning…read my bible and other reading material & write for about 30 mins to an hour, workout, and come home and listen to motivational or biblical books on i-tunes. I’m really listening to that inner voice (the one I haven’t heard in awhile) I can hear it again…This isn’t about a break up, this isn’t about getting Jase back, this is about walking a new way down a new road and trusting in my higher power that I will end up in a much better place (with my kiddos by my side every step of the way)!
Until Next Time,
E
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