Thursday, August 12th 2010 PART 6
MY JOURNEY WITH JASE (CONTINUED…)
I’m currently in San Diego visiting my friend Sjohnna. I drove here for one last hurrah on the beach until the kiddos come back. Also, a great way to clear my head…AND get ready for the life I am about to embark on.
I woke up this morning…with this huge pit in my stomach…Uggg…thoughts of doubt have consumed my mind all morning. I have been questioning myself about writing all of this the last few days… Questions like..”What was I thinking? Should I really be putting everything out there?” You know what those questions mean don’t you? I am doing exactly what I should have done…Well, I started….so its time to finish it…
Another year went by that included Jase and I working his seminars, the kids, following our faith, and supporting each other through it all (good & bad). With that, came fun. With that, came me still questioning what his motives were, and with that came changing lives in his seminars, and most of all changing are own lives. I was learning so much through him about working and helping people, he was learning from me about loving people unconditionally, AND him & Taylor were learning from each other stuff I still can’t explain. One of the things I love about Jase is that he looks at everything and will disect it down as much as he can. Sometimes, he looks at it too much. Have you ever dated a Personal Development Fanatic? Try it…it can be exhausting at times. In March/April Jase and I had been heavily working the seminars. Things were going great for him and he decided that him and I were not a fit…again. We parted ways again. Taylor became extremely ill. So ill, that we were unsure of her condition and unsure if she was going to make it. She had to have brain surgery to replace a tubing that had been put in when she was an infant. I sent the twins to stay with their Dad in May to concentrate on Taylor. Once, she had the surgery…she required time with me to get healthy again and stayed with me on her own for about a month. Jase, Taylor, & I started spending time again. I look back at this time and see how much they bonded. Taylor wanted to be baptized so badly. She and Jase went to the hair stylist, and Jase shaved his head in her honor along with some of the other men from our church. Soon after, Tay was well enough to visit her Dad for part of the summer.
Jase and I spent most of our summer together, working the seminars, traveling, learning and strengthening our relationship with Christ…and doing our best to help others. I believe we did…the way we know how together. 
At the end of the summer, we went on a two week road trip. It was awesome! Him and I just got in the car, and drove! No plans…just a mission. We didn’t know what that mission was…we just did it! We ended all the way to Mississippi!! We stayed in 1-2 star hotels along the way, visited our friends in San Antonio, Josh & Erica, attended Dallas Cowboy Camp, visited Hot Springs in Arizona , made it to Houston to see Joel Olsteen’s Church, New Orleans, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Colorado, & Utah. We drove for two weeks…and during that time, we read the Bible daily, listened to books on tapes, we saw absolute gorgeous scenery, and just really enjoyed each other. (at least I did) It was such a great trip…One of my favorites! Actually, it is my favorite trip to date! The only thing that could have made it better was if we were a couple. Again…I know, what was I thinking?
Immediately following our trip, the kids were on their way home (yet again, for the third time). Jase decided that he was going to stay distant this time…and he did. He began to date the woman that he dated for a brief time the previous year, immediately. This hurt me more deeply…In fact, I don’t think I realized how much it affected my life then…until he pointed it out to me last week…how I began to change after that. Of course, I was hurt that he was dating…especially so soon after our trip…but what truly hurt me the most was due to the circumstances around it…that I am choosing not to disclose. I allowed my faith to weaken…which led me to make choices that weren’t the smartest choices.
I had gone from spending all of my time with Jase to being completely alone. I felt so betrayed by him…I didn’t understand how someone who was my best friend today could be completely gone tomorrow… I really wish I knew how someone does that. It would make this so much less painful. At this time…began my relationship with Danny. I will go into depth about him tomorrow and will catch you up to where my life is today and what I am currently experiencing.
Honestly, I never anticipated me writing so much and taking so long to explain what’s been going on inside of me. AND, even if no one reads it…I know that this HAD to be done in order to move on to the next chapter in my life. I just know it! AND I have to move on…to whatever that chapter may be.
I also want to set the record straight, please understand, I don’t ever want to be perceived as a victim in this relationship and never want Jase to perceived as the “bad guy”. We are just two people, who each made our own individual choices that led to where we are today. Honestly, other than our friends Josh & Erica…we both have never really been exposed to a true healthy relationship.
Also, something I learned as I was writing this Evening is that there has been a lot of hurt that I have felt in the past, that I had not been willing to take responsibility for at all. I am now willing to take responsibility for what I have attributed to and some of that hurt I could have prevented if I would have just walked away. This is a challenge I have, I find it difficult to just walk away, to give up, to not fight for who or what I love. At times I wish it were easy for me…I am learning a little more and more of how to do this especially in the last few days. For the first time, I have absolute NO control what someone else’s feelings or actions are and am starting to ACTUALLY believe that what God has in store will be unveiled soon. It seems as if the voice is getting louder and clearer. I can see where I should have walked away…and I’m glad I didn’t. I am glad I listened to the voice that said to stick with it…continue to believe in Jase….because there was way more good that came out of it…and memories that will last forever. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret loving Jase. How can I?
Until Next Time,
E
P.S: I thought I would include a few videos of after Taylor had her surgery. I’m sure you have seen her baptism video…if not, enjoy it again. I do!
(TO COMMENT PLEASE CLICK ON THE ABOVE HEADER)
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
8:05 am
Never saw her baptism but remember hearing how moved many families were.
Glad I got to see it!
4:08 pm
E
I feel compelled to post again…
It’s absolutely amazing what writing can do for our souls.
One of the defining moments of my life was written down on a piece of paper. That moment set into motion, a course of events that forever changed my life. Some of them great and wonderful to embrace, others that were at times unbearable, depressing, and so very sad.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again, it take unmeasureable courage to be as transparent as you are being with this, and I respect and commend you for doing it.
Looking at back for your love for Jase and all that it brought and caused in your life, never ever take it for granted, be ashamed of it, nor regret it. As you said yourself, you’ve learned so much and come so far because of your feelings towards him.
And that feeling that you have, that you know you don’t have control over someone else’s feelings, maybe even your own? EMBRACE it E, I’m telling ya, on the occasion that I can bring myself to do that, to completely surrender and give it all to the Lord, it is those moments that I find myself with tears running down my cheeks b/c I can SEE the Lord in my life, and it’s so beautiful.
Lots of people need to hear this E, you keep going, cast Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear out, and press on. I don’t know your whole situation or story, but I can tell you are healing, and for that, you must finish.
Keep lookin up, for as we all know….if God is for us, you know the rest ;o)
J
btw, i was there the day Tay got baptised. i didn’t know any of you at the time, and i wasn’t involved in the fuse ministry, but i remember that day well. my family and i were realatively new to central. i remember thinking “if this church is this kind of church all the time, we’ve found our home”….and home is where we are….