Saturday, March 6th, 2010
About 5 years ago I was in an intensive Graduate program to receive my Masters. During that time it felt like everything around me was falling apart. I was transitioning and learning how to parent all by myself, and with that…Taylor was demonstrating severe behavior challenges, I was just told Erin had a cyst in her nose and that it may be cancerous, which required it to be removed immediately, AND that Jorden’s left retina in his eye was detached and the same was about to happen to his right eye. He needed surgery right away or he could be blind!!
Talk about overwhelm!!! I was done! I felt spent! I had a moment where I just about gave up on everything. I went to my professors during class one night and told them “I quit! This is too much…I can’t do this all by myself”. My professors quickly called a meeting with a group of my peers and they all expressed how they felt that finishing the Graduate program is what I am supposed to do. They acknowledged how much they believed in me and in order for me to finish they would support me as much as they could by making arrangements to have someone take notes for me and they would extend times on exams so that I could care for my children first. They knew I was exhausted and at the end of my rope at that point. I had never shown this type of emotion and upset before.
I came back to school the following day questioning everything. Questioning…why I was given these responsibilities, questioning if I had done something really wrong to have children with the type of challenges that they had, and if I did do something wrong….why would God punish my children? They didn’t deserve this!!! They were the innocent! Why did they have to go through all of this? AND then….I went to sit down at my seat that I sat during every class and someone left a piece of paper with the following story on it that changed my life. Please read and I hope it gives you the peace it gave me!
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Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propaganda with great care and deliberation. As he observes he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger:
“Armstrong, Beth; patron saint, Matthew.”
“Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint. Cecelia.”
“Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint…give her Gerard. He is used to profanity.”
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, “Give her a handicapped child.”
The angel is curious. “Why this one, God?” Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”
“But has she patience?” asks the angel
“I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she’ll handle it.” I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother.
“You see, the child I’m going to give her has his own world and that’s not going to be easy.”
“But, Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.”
God, smiles, “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.”
The Angel gasps, “Seflishness? Is that a virtue?”
God nods, “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive.
Yes, there is a woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a ‘spoken word’. She will never consider a ‘step’ ordinary. When her child says “Momma’ for the first time, she will be present a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see if as few people ever see my creations.
“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see…ignorance, cruelty, prejudice…and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surly as she is here by my side.” “And what about her patron saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.
God smiles, “A mirror will suffice.”
-Author Unknown-
The person who left that has no idea how much they changed my life that day. Every time I am having a bad day or question if I am doing things the “right way” I read this story and remind myself that God must really think I’m all that and a bag of chips to have had that much faith in me to choose me to be Taylor, Erin, and Jorden’s Mom. AND you know what else I do? I thank him tremendously! I GET to be their Mom!
Until Next Time,
E
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