It has been awhile since I have written. I originally developed this blog to share my story with others about raising my three children with special needs and all of the blessings and struggles we go through to give other families hope. To give inspiration to others…I realize now that this blog is for everyone that is feeling lost, feeling that they aren’t good enough, or feeling that there is limited hope around. Those who know me, might be shocked to see that I am writing this, or that I am or have experienced these emotions. I used to never want anyone to see that I was upset or sad in any way. I didn’t want the weaknessess to show. Often, people would say “Look at her, she can do it all…and she never complains! And she is happy!!” Deep down, I can see now where part of me has felt I have been living a lie. People would look up to me….And the truth is…lately, I haven’t been happy. Life has felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong…I love my children more than I can express…but tired of all the “stuff” that comes with it….some of them are… The IEPs, the illnessess, insurance, the child support, the doctor’s appointments, the laundry, the dirty house, the car, balancing the check book, the yard, the 15 extra pounds, the arguing of kids, the homework, the surgerys that are needed for various kids, figuring out how we can go on a vacation, filling out paperwork for social security, finding someone to watch my kids if they are sick in order to work, the dogs, my Dad who is sick and having a difficult time taking care of himself, paying the bills, thinking about what the future will hold for my kids, worrying about dissapointing others (my family & close friends), not able to help others when they help me, worrying about my children’s health, providing a happy childhood for them, making my Mother proud of me, Is there a man out there that God has for me that can truly love me and my children and fill that this isn’t a burden to him? Fulfilling my mission that God has for me, serving my students and their families to make it just a little bit better for them, and simply being the teacher, friend, daughter, and mother that all of my loved ones deserve! I don’t want to do it anymore! I am done worrying about everything I feel I am not! I had a conversation with a friend today…and he said one thing that helped me see…I have been turning to someone else for what only the One can provide. I lost sight of who can truly heal and console me in my time of confusion or upset. I have focused on all of what I am not, then focusing on what I am! I have allowed worrying to consume my happiness, to get in the way of everything. I have allowed others to point out or pull me in on focusing on what I don’t have or what is wrong with my surroundings which has enabled me from seeing all the awesome and beautiful things around me.
I write this to set all these worries free. I can see now where I have also been focused on “being alone”. The other day, a friend sent me an email that mapped out how much others love me and my children…she opened the door…I don’t know if she knows it yet, she opened the door to hope for me.
Therefore, here goes…all that “stuff” is turned around upside down. Now the focus is on…loving and living. Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful of proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about insjustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, ad endures through every circumstance.
This last week I was working with a friend during one of his personal development seminars and he had talked about “Who is in your car?” This was a short segment on how the people in your car can hold you back from life, from achieving your dreams. Which I can see has happened in my life big time. It is easy not to got for it in life, when you have others telling you all of the things you aren’t doing or need to do in your life. I find how easy it is to be on the sidelines of someone elses life and directing them…actually living it is a different story, Isn’t it? I have decided that it is time…for me to stop my car…get out, take a deep breath and walk over to the passenger side. Time to let God drive this time. I may not always like how he drives, the scenery, or the music being played…but I am opened to seeing the many destinations that I plan on seeing. I know that I may tell him to turn the wrong way at times, and I now know that if I trust him he will get me back where he wants me to go. I trust in Him and know that he is my true light!
I was having what I call a moment and asking for some guidance, and this song came on the radio. It says it all for me right now. I would love your thoughts, your comments, and the love that you share. Thanks for supporting me and believing me and my children. It is noticed and valued!
Eden
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEtg1LlApr8]
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7:02 am
Beautifully written – I think you need to speak this summer in Women’s Small Groups! Let’s talk about the topic possibly – “The Beauty of Truth!”
7:52 am
Thanks Rhonda! Would embrace the possibility! Lets chat soon.
8:42 am
You are a beautiful lady, inside and out! You are very loved and the doors are wide open for whatever you need.
9:08 am
Eden, I read your blog and it brought tears to my eyes. All though I know all of our trials are different one thing I have learned in my life is…what we project on the outside isn’t what is always going on in the inside. I work a 12 step program for various reasons. One of the steps is “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him”. You couldn’t have said it better in your blog. I have to practice this daily, I have to remember that I am not the one in charge and what ever path I am given I should not try to control the outcome. With the support I have today, I know that I can walk through anything big or small and be okay. Hopefully I can grow and become a stronger woman. I love you and keep you and your family in my prayers. Wendy
6:31 pm
thank you. saw your blog through a friend and so well put. Not sure if she realizes that it would impact me but I will thank her.
You sound amazing and I admire you for what you are doing. I too have a special needs child and feel there is never time for anything other than his needs and paperwork, mounds of it and calls etc. It is nice to be able to sit back and realize that I can do what I can do and God is always there with me through it even though I don’t always think that at the time. Keep the positive thoughts and thanks again
12:56 am
Thanks for your comment! Know that you are not alone, in MORE ways than one! I’ll keep them coming…stay tuned!