It has been awhile since I have written. I originally developed this blog to share my story with others about raising my three children with special needs and all of the blessings and struggles we go through to give other families hope. To give inspiration to others…I realize now that this blog is for everyone that is feeling lost, feeling that they aren’t good enough, or feeling that there is limited hope around. Those who know me, might be shocked to see that I am writing this, or that I am or have experienced these emotions. I used to never want anyone to see that I was upset or sad in any way. I didn’t want the weaknessess to show. Often, people would say “Look at her, she can do it all…and she never complains! And she is happy!!” Deep down, I can see now where part of me has felt I have been living a lie. People would look up to me….And the truth is…lately, I haven’t been happy. Life has felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong…I love my children more than I can express…but tired of all the “stuff” that comes with it….some of them are… The IEPs, the illnessess, insurance, the child support, the doctor’s appointments, the laundry, the dirty house, the car, balancing the check book, the yard, the 15 extra pounds, the arguing of kids, the homework, the surgerys that are needed for various kids, figuring out how we can go on a vacation, filling out paperwork for social security, finding someone to watch my kids if they are sick in order to work, the dogs, my Dad who is sick and having a difficult time taking care of himself, paying the bills, thinking about what the future will hold for my kids, worrying about dissapointing others (my family & close friends), not able to help others when they help me, worrying about my children’s health, providing a happy childhood for them, making my Mother proud of me, Is there a man out there that God has for me that can truly love me and my children and fill that this isn’t a burden to him? Fulfilling my mission that God has for me, serving my students and their families to make it just a little bit better for them, and simply being the teacher, friend, daughter, and mother that all of my loved ones deserve! I don’t want to do it anymore! I am done worrying about everything I feel I am not! I had a conversation with a friend today…and he said one thing that helped me see…I have been turning to someone else for what only the One can provide. I lost sight of who can truly heal and console me in my time of confusion or upset. I have focused on all of what I am not, then focusing on what I am! I have allowed worrying to consume my happiness, to get in the way of everything. I have allowed others to point out or pull me in on focusing on what I don’t have or what is wrong with my surroundings which has enabled me from seeing all the awesome and beautiful things around me.

     I write this to set all these worries free. I can see now where I have also been focused on “being alone”. The other day, a friend sent me an email that mapped out how much others love me and my children…she opened the door…I don’t know if she knows it yet, she opened the door to hope for me.

   Therefore, here goes…all that “stuff” is turned around upside down. Now the focus is on…loving and living. Corinthians 13:4  Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful of proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about insjustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, ad endures through every circumstance.    

  This last week I was working with a friend during one of his personal development seminars and he had talked about “Who is in your car?” This was a short segment on how the people in your car can hold you back from life, from achieving your dreams. Which I can see has happened in my life big time. It is easy not to got for it in life, when you have others telling you all of the things you aren’t doing or need to do in your life. I find how easy it is to be on the sidelines of someone elses life and directing them…actually living it is a different story, Isn’t it? I have decided that it is time…for me to stop my car…get out, take a deep breath and walk over to the passenger side. Time to let God drive this time. I may not always like how he drives, the scenery, or the music being played…but I am opened to seeing the many destinations that I plan on seeing. I know that I may tell him to turn the wrong way at times, and I now know that if I trust him he will get me back where he wants me to go. I trust in Him and know that he is my true light!

    I was having what I call a moment and asking for some guidance, and this song came on the radio. It says it all for me right now.  I would love your thoughts, your comments, and the love that you share. Thanks for supporting me and believing me and my children. It is noticed and valued!

Eden

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEtg1LlApr8]

     Yesterday, I was having a moment (I have been having allot of those lately). I was feeling anger towards a good friend…we will call him Jed for now. My oldest daughter Taylor could see that I was agitated and she said “Mom, what is wrong?” I said, “I am mad right now”. She said, “What are you mad at?” I replied, “I am mad at Jed.” Instead of asking “why?” or “what for?” She simply said, “Give it away Mom”. (This showed me that what I say…does get through to her. In the past, when one of the kids is mad I always tell them to “give their anger to God, let him have it…and he’ll handle it”) Next, I proceeded with “Who do you want me to give it to?” (Thinking she would say “God”) To my surprise, Taylor said, “me!”. “What are you gonna do with it?” I replied? She said, “I’m gonna put it in a cold, cold, shower!” Taylor said this because we have talked about taking a cold shower to change the state of our emotions.
     This conversation with Taylor really put things into perspective. I continued to be upset with my friend, until I had a real breakthrough..I know that there are gonna be times I don’t always agree with others or think that what they do is right, AND I have the choice to be angry and conflicting or love them regardless. Grace is an amazing thing on both ends! Its amazing when you get it and even more amazing when you give it!
     Therefore, next time anger or upset sets in throw it in a cold, cold shower! Hey, if it’s that bad…you might even want to jump right in! I had to! It was REALLY cold too!! When I got out I forgot why I was even in there in the first place!